It all started a few weeks ago with a pretty cool synchronicity of events. Getting very fed up with apathy, apathy being the other side of the same coin as anxiety, I had asked from the heart for some help. You know, to the universe, to anyone up there listening. Within a week or two a friend I hadn’t heard from in quite a long time texted me to offer me a place, at a very discounted price, for some sort of success seminar. After a week or two I received a phone call from one of the coordinators of the event, and our conversation lead to us discussing the inner child. That very night I tried a meditation on YouTube based on building a better relationship with your inner child.
As of a couple of nights
ago, I had no idea what compassion really felt like. Perhaps it started with
focusing on my inner child and trying to love that child that seemed scared,
angry and defiant. I felt like I had coaxed the child out of its defiance and
into my arms, but what I had noticed is that initially I was angry at it, and I
had to get beyond that to make any progress.
So here I was tonight,
tapping into compassion, self compassion, for the sake of easing out of
insomnia and waking up in a better mood and avoiding that ‘emotional hangover’
as its been called. What I found is that compassion towards oneself seems to
lead quite naturally to self forgiveness. To finally look at myself through
such compassionate eyes, i had realised how lacking in compassion I had been.
My internal struggle, or a large part of it, and anger had started to make
sense. I had been hard on myself, I hadn’t been compassionate, I had times where
perhaps I eased up on myself or I felt sorry for myself, but that wasn’t quite
the same as to look with kindness at myself and simply, just forgive myself! I
believe now that you possibly must forgive yourself before you try to forgive
anyone else, especially since you need compassion to forgive and you need to
know what compassion feels like, really feel what it feels like in your heart
in such a powerful way that it shifts something within you.
